RCT Discussion / A Very Steve Christmas

...what? Are we — we’re rolling? Fuck.

 

 

Merry Christmas you filthy animals, and welcome to A Very Steve Christmas, presented by New Element and sponsored by my crippling need to have you all like me. I’m your host, Steve, and this year on A Very Steve Christmas, we are taking a mother fucking journey through New Element’s greatest hits. What does that mean? I don’t even know. I’m just the host. This was all Liam’s idea. Just kidding, it was mine because I’m the best member here (I’m looking at you, NE Awards).

We’re going to be riding a one horse fucking sleigh straight through some of the best parks this stupid website has ever seen. We’ll go back in time, and even go to the present. Like, up to today. Which is Christmas. I hope. Why else am I writing this stupid thing for you people I don’t even know. I don’t know. Or maybe I meant Christmas presents? The English language continues to baffle me. Anyway.

Let’s get started, I guess.

 

Rivers of Babylon by sacoasterfreak

 

We’re starting HUGE here, boys (and girls? Did you know shnupz is a woman? Weird, right? Or at least it was for me when she stopped responding to my advances. Oh well). Widely regarded as the best park of all fucking time, at least by me, this park has it all. Mostly, it just has the ability to make every single one of us feel inadequate. Am I mad about it? Fuck yeah. sacoasterfreak, cash me outside. Also, who uses the word sac in their username. This guy is a weirdo. Whatever, he makes a 300 year old rollercoaster simulation game look pretty. You get a pass from me, sac. Oh and did you guys know sac drives a fucking DELOREAN. Or he used to. Not sure if you knew this, but basically this guy just built the thing and split on New Element like your estranged asshole of a stepfather. The more I think about it, the more of dick this sac really is. Man. I mean, the park is still good. Is all of that enough to forgive this man? You be the judge.

The park IS good though. Probably better than Ghoul. I mean, what. Anyway.

 

Disney’s American Waterfront by Pacificoaster

Considered to be the modern classic of this shithead game we all play, Pacificoaster (guess where this guy is from? So original, right?) fucked everyone up in Head to Head 7 with this thing. Or was it 6? There’s too many of these. What have we been doing the past fifteen-plus years? God. Anyway. Californiacoaster crafted Version1’s very own chemical release and everyone’s heads exploded. Not literally, though. I mean, maybe. There’s some people who aren’t around anymore. Spontaneous combustion is real, people. Anyway. Did you know I was supposed to build on this thing? I was too busy though. I had better things to do, apparently. Or maybe Liam just runs a tight ship and told me to fuck myself. I wouldn’t be surprised, he’s kind of a dick. Just kidding. Kind of.

So this park is pretty good. Too good. It gets 0 Ghouls out of Ghoul on sheer principle. Take that, iris!

 

Sea World Brisbane by Steve

 

How’d this get in here? Super weird. Well, you know what, it’s fine. Let’s roll with it. This is Christmas after all. The time for giving. What better gift than this? One of my many claims to fame. Even though fucking Fatha gave me the lowest score in existence. Can you believe that guy? Man. I am still holding a grudge to this very day. A Thursday, of all days. I hate Thursdays. Wait, I mean, today is Monday. Christmas Day. Almost gave myself away. Kind of like how I gave myself away in the form of parkmaking in the Pro Tour; I opened my soul to Fatha and he took it and tied it to his not-Delorean and dragged it through the mud and shit of whatever dumbass Southwestern state I think he lives in. I’m not bitter but, fuck, this guy is the WORST. Whatever, it made me parkmaker right? And this is Christmas, a time for cheer and forgiveness. Well, Fatha gets none of that. I was leading into forgiving him and I changed my mind mid-sentence. I cannot let go. I’m sorry Fatha (just between you and me though, I’m not sorry. Don’t tell him).

Anyway. A great park, here. Paved the way for others like posix. Remember him? What a good guy. 0.04 Ghouls out of Ghoul.

 

Dreamport by J_K

All right, all right. During the last commercial break we went ahead and made sure no slip ups occur in this line up going forward. The previous entry, admittedly, was a mistake. This might be a Steve Christmas but it’s not ALL about me. This is about New Element and the best it has to offer. So, how the fuck did this get here. Hang on.

...what do you mean, “this is good?” Have you seen it lately?...

...yeah, I know what you said...

...well, he’s not even fucking here anymore...

...okay...

...yeeeeeeah, okay, so my producer (Liam, I mean. Surprised? Me too. Who’s responsible for this?) is telling me this is supposed to be here. Which is fine. This gives me a chance to stand on my soapbox and tell everyone watching how wrong you are. Have you seen this shit, guys. I mean, my god. How many words do I have to italicize to get my point across. This is supposed to be a fairy tale park or something. Motherfucker, please. You’re living in a fairy tale. Which might be fine, but have you read real fairy tales? There’s a reason they’re called GRIMM’S. They are fucked up. People are dying left and right because their shithead step parent doesn’t love them. Where is THAT in this park? Instead I’m riding a magic carpet and walking into a park entrance with a dumbass looking clock. Why do fairy tale creatures need to know what time it is? Don’t they have iPhones on them? Clocks are ancient technology. When’s the last time you’ve seen a clock? They’re gone. Just like J_K. I gotta hand it to him, that’s a baller move. Following in the steps of sac. Just building this terrible park and then he skedaddles on out of here. What a time to be alive.

I’m not even going to entertain the thought of giving this a Ghoul score and I’m not sorry. Merry Christmas (I’m not even going to be politically correct! Sorry, Jewish viewers!)!

 

Fenrir by Steve

 

Oh...uh, hang on.

...what do you mean I can’t do this?...

...yeah, but it’s my show, right...

...you’re ruining this whole thing, I told y—...

...Okay, so, hey looks like this has wedged itself into the show but that’s fine! We press on! None of this is intentional at all! Zero script! Every production has a rocky start, especially when it’s live. It’s Christmas! Praise be! Speaking of that, have you seen A Handmaid’s Tale? Shit is SO GOOD. Like, damn. It’s fucked, but damn. Highly recommended. Where was I? Anyway. This NE Design is probably a greatest hit, right? I mean, it won best RCT2 Design of the Decade and you don’t have to fact check me on that just take my word for it please. It beat everything. It is still the top scoring park in the design category no matter how much Liam I mean my producer shakes his head at me. I’m just sitting in my comfy armchair in front of my totally real fireplace talking to you. Want some cocoa? Too bad, you should’ve thought of that before you voted Fenrir #2 best design of the decade. Uncool. This thing is great. Also, it’s the only reason I’m still a parkmaker. Will I forever ride the coat tails of this? You betcha. Do I have any regrets? Sure. It’s all for the sake of Christmas though. Man, I love this holiday. I can get away with fucking anything because it’s Christmas. Maybe I’ll commit murder.

Anyway. Let’s see. Still not as great as Ghoul. This gets a 0.08. We’re getting there!

 

Creamsicle_7112 by Steve

OKAY FINE. You bastards just couldn’t let me have this. I wanted one thing. ONE thing. Just something, for once, to let something be about me. It’s not like I ever talk about myself or make anything about me. It’s not like you have to listen to me relentlessly bring up a washed up design that tied for second place in a contest. I just wanted something for ONCE just to be an ode to me. But no. You wouldn’t have it. I get it. You know what, though, it’s fine. I deserve this. Remember, it’s Christmas. I can do anything. I can be anything. I’m Version1, I disagree about everything. Oh now I’m G Force, have you tried this beer, it’s good. See, shut up. Welcome to the Stevedome, y’all. Anyway. This was an awful design and an exercise in how much I could get away with. It worked, because, well, I’m still going and you can’t stop me.

This gets 0.02 Ghouls out of Ghoul due to my ability to amaze myself. I mean, what. Is anyone even still reading? Props to you. Have a cocoa, stay awhile. And I don’t mean the member, cocoa (hey, Shane!).

 

Ghoul by Steve

 

Since we are apparently fully committing to this, here is it: Meme, The Ride. You know, it’s my own fault. I talk a big game, I know. I do something and, shit, I don’t shut up about it. Do I have any regrets? Maybe. Will I tell you them? Maybe later. This isn’t the time for a digression. However, I mean, doesn’t this deserve to be a meme? I mean, this is probably the best design we’ve seen all year. The Junkyard? Please. It’s literally junk. How did it win? Well, we all know how close Alex and Liam are, right. Just kidding. I’m not saying Alex rigged this harder than the 2016 American Presidential Election (yes I am), but bottom line is that people second guessed their votes here. And because of that, I tied with shotguns? (god, and he’s won two Spotlights, what has my life become). I have too much pride to admit I was defeated though. Is it pride? Maybe it’s delusion. What’s the difference? Liam is shaking his head, he doesn’t know. I’m not surprised, he doesn’t know much. Not like he’s ever helped me with a single thing in my life. All the H2H wins are my doing and he takes all the credit. Wait, he’s taking his headset off. He’s walking away. He just threw our only monitor on the floor. Great. I just got that thing. Great deals on Black Friday, man. Say what you want, but I’m a big fan of consumerism. Don’t ask me why, because I don’t even know. I can’t believe Liam just walked out on me like that. I’m going to need a replacement. We’ll take the commercial break to assemble. Like the Avengers. Which are better than Justice League (fight me, Version1). Anyway.

Ghoul gets a Ghoul out of Ghoul. Who would’ve guessed? What a weird day. Christmas is weird to begin with. Someone at work told me Christmas is to celebrate Jesus being born in a meth lab. I kind of believe him. Was meth a thing back then? They probably had something similar. The dude was walking on water and turning it into wine, he must’ve been on some REAL good shit. Religion is wild. Idiots. I mean, what.

 

Veteris Shores by Steve

 

Give a man a fish, he eats for day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a life time. Is that how that goes? My new producer (Its nin, he owes me a favor after making me this abysmal park logo) is holding up cue cards that make zero fucking sense. Why am I opening with this line? He shrugged. I mean, it’s a great little saying. Does it pertain to the park? I mean, maybe. I’ve been doing this shit for years and I’ve finally finished something of worth. I guess that’s subjective though. Maybe you think this is worthless. It might be. I don’t even know if this is going to win anything. I’m writing this hoping that the park is already released. Maybe it’s not. How funny would that be? The answer is “not at all,” because our sponsors would be up my ass (and Rusty’s, I took a small loan from him, although he doesn’t know it yet. Like taking a Truth IPA from a baby. Weird, but I’ll take it). Anyway. Let’s it hope it’s out and let’s hope it’s good. I think it is. I’ve only rebuilt this thing several thousand fucking times. Wait, Liam is coming back. He just took one of nin’s cue cards...it says “you’re welcome.” Not sure what that’s all about. He’s thrown the new monitor on the floor. nin just got us that from his work. I think he works at RadioShack. Did you know those are still around? In this economic climate, I have to give a hats off to RadioShack for staying relevant. Who knows when I might need a new AUX cable in this age of wireless technology. What a time to be alive. Wait, where’s Kyle going? He’s thrown the cue cards. They’re everywhere. Maybe I said something wrong. Does he work somewhere else more reputable? Probably not. Anyway.

All right, so what’s the score? In a severe plot twist, this gets 1.1 Ghouls out of Ghoul! How is this possible? Honestly, it only gets the extra push due to its sheer potential of me being able to make this another great Steve meme. And shit, maybe it already is! I can’t predict these things. I’m not a fortune teller. Or am I? I’m not (I’m a great matchmaker though. Faas and Liam, that was all me. Take a fucking hike, JuJu).

 

 

Well, that’s it everyone. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs during our first A Very Steve Christmas, but hey, it was a wild ride! I couldn’t have asked for a better four hours. Maybe next year we will actually have our shit together. I doubt it, but maybe. I’ll need to start the hiring process for a new producer. And buy several monitors. Man, this shit is expensive. Thank Christ this is on the company’s dime. All that stuff about the sponsors was just for showmanship, this all outta geewhzz’s pocket, baby. Hope he’s okay with that. I mean, fuck, this is Christmas! The spirit of giving is flowing through all of us like the eggnog that will be flowing directly into my mouth at the annual NE Christmas Party. If this is the first time you’re hearing of this, it’s because you weren’t invited. It’s just a party for me. Where I sit on my couch gripping onto whatever sanity I have left while I watch Jim Carrey’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas on VHS. I’ll also be gripping a forty of clearance alcohol and my dignity. What a great time. Anyhoozle, Merry Christmas, New Element. Truth be told, I love you all. See you next year!

im gonna count every mention of hot cocoa as a mention of me. im famous!

 

i enjoyed this, more rants please. are you angling to get weirdest member 2017 at the awards? thats mine to lose

 

It's fine.

The dreamport section had me crying.

u blow

ive never had the same problems with dreamport. yeah its aged, but so have a lot of parks. i still like it

I love you Steve. Never leave this site or things are gonna get dull around here.

I love you Steve. Never leave this site or things are gonna get dull around here.

 
 

This. I can't imagine NE without Steve.

Vc?

Don’t forget to check your local listings for reruns of your favorite holiday classic! Merry Christmas!