General Chat / Depression

I can say that learning who you are is pretty damned important to feeling better about yourself. I'm opening the door of the bisexuality closet and slowly coming out. That, among some other kinks and whatnot that I have.

 

I'm also seeking counseling and on zoloft right now, which helps so much to take the edge off. I had extremely bad anxiety beforehand, anyone who has been on AIM with me pretty much knows

Good to hear it's working for you Shotguns.  I tried Zoloft in the past, shortly, but had too many side effects.  It seems like everyone's response to different antidepressants varies wildly - it's just a matter of finding what works for you.

 

I do love the extremely vivid dreams from pretty much all SSRIs, though.  I've been on Lexapro for years now, and I don't think I've had a night without at least one powerful dream.

Lexapro man, it's great. I don't have clinical depression, but I took Lexapro as a supplement for an acne drug that had some pretty nasty side effects. The only thing was that I felt my happiness wasn't my own but just a result of the pills I was taking. It still made my life a lot easier. I'm not on it anymore but yeah the dreams were definitely awesome.

I took kratom for social anxiety and also overcoming weed addiction, best thing i ever done. I still take it time to time for working out. DOES WONDERS

I've just seen this, it's a while since the last post but hope you're feeling better.

 

I've suffered with anxiety my whole life, I never looked or asked for help. Spent far too long shutting myself away and avoiding anyone or anything that made me uncomfortable which was mostly social contact. The few close friends I had just saw it as me being me until about 4 years ago when i moved out with my best mate. Who got me to open up and talk about it with him and his partner which led me to seek help. The  medication also helps me. It will not cure depression, but it will give you that little push you need to beat it. I came off my medication thinking i was ok, I wasn't. I've just lost my job and my flat because I couldn't cope living on my own, got to the point I was thinking about killing myself daily. I've gone back on meds now and after a couple of months (sertraline) I'm finally starting to feel a bit better in myself. I know now it cant be fixed, but you can control it with the right thinking and stop yourself falling into the same hole again. 

 

It's a very hard thing to understand if you have never suffered with it. Being honest with people close to you although hard will help, you would be suprised how many people really do care. Let people question you as well, be honest in what you say even if you feel stupid. The smallest reply/suggestion/advice can really change how you are thinking at that time.

 

Rambled a bit but I hate to hear of anyone going through what i've been through and still going through.

I took kratom for social anxiety and also overcoming weed addiction, best thing i ever done. I still take it time to time for working out. DOES WONDERS

 

I've been taking kratom regularly for about a year now. I have to say it has really helped me out with anxiety, particularly social anxiety and avoiding trying new things. It isn't a wonder drug but it cuts anxiety down to a manageable level and improves my mood. I'd also recommend trying phenibut, it can only be taken 2 times a week but it can almost completely cut anxiety for me for big events.

 

I've always been very introverted and would find excuses to avoid pushing myself out of my comfort zone. It didn't bite me in the ass until college where I went full hermit and didn't make any new friends. Life spiraled out of control and I dropped out after 3 years, 2 of which were absolutely miserable and mostly spent in bed.

 

In the last couple years I've been piecing my life back together. Last summer I had my first relationship (at 23). I had built up in my mind that a lot of my problems would be solved from that but after getting dumped I backslid into some bad habits, fortunately I still maintained some good ones too. The older I get and the more experience I have battling anxiety and the depression that comes from it, I can safely say the best thing is to keep fighting. Don't fall into the trap thinking that one more friend, the next relationship or whatever is going to solve all your problems. No one thing will and you have to step back and stay on top of things, because it is so easy to fall back into old negative patterns.

 

Exercise has really helped me. I've dropped some weight and gotten some more self confidence. It's also a positive habit I can fall back on. It helps build mental stamina as well as physical health. I can't recommend it enough. This includes eating right.

 

I work in mental healthcare now, in a resident care facility for schizophrenic patients. Most are high functioning and some have even been able to find work. It's been inspiring and has also helped me in my life spot negative thought processes. When you see others struggling with a higher degree of anxiety and avoidance or delusions and have to help them through it, it does put things into perspective. It has been easier for me to spot my own bullshit and fix it before it gets out of control. 

 

I'm rambling now, I meant to only reply about kratom. It appears a lot of the NE membership is dealing with similar shit so I think we can help eachother out as needed. I still don't have any damn friends but I've moved closer to family, which helps. I'm also going to return to school. The important thing to remember is to not let the low points and loneliness prevent you from living life.

I just re-read my post, and being almost a year later, my life right now couldn't be any more different to how it was when I wrote this.

 

I thought it would be interesting to re-post in a reply to my original post, for my own personal summary on life right now, but also to hopefully maybe give some sort of 'help' to people suffering and how life can turn around.

 

Keep looking to the future! But don't worry about it, life sorts itself out as long as you look after yourself. I don't have a boyfriend myself, but I live such a happy life now unlike I did previously. Just keep doing what you want to do, live your life how you want to and don't let anyone else put you down. I'm sure you are a young guy with a great personality and the right guy will be out there somewhere, you've just got to enjoy your life and wait for him to appear

 

An incredibly special friendship I had, which many of you know about, broke down about 3/4 months ago. My whole life was turned upside down, I had to move out of my home and lost a massive chunk of my life and sunk into depression again. But coming back through the other side, I realise that I wasn't living for myself and I wasn't truly happy. I was trying to live for someone else and be the person they wanted me to be rather than the person I wanted to be.

 

All I can say is that after spending 6 years trying to impress someone and be there for that person to the point where you sacrifice everything in your own life and your own happiness for their happiness isn't going to get you anywhere. The sacrifices I made and changes to my personality and my appearance and how I went about my life changed me into a different person and it wasn't until I became 'free' that I realised this. The hurt I went through, whilst painful, was for the best as it's awakened me from where I was and I never knew life could be this good.

 

And when I say the right guy is out there somewhere and you just need to wait for him to appear. Well, its true, I'm now happily in love with someone who loves me back and I am immensely blessed right now. I never expected it to happen, never went searching, no more than just putting myself out there. Everything will fall into place one day.

 

I wouldn't worry about your introverted lifestyle, it's nothing to be ashamed of, I myself have a very introverted lifestyle and it's about how you deal with it and how you see it yourself, start thinking of it as a positive thing in your life rather than a negative, particularly if you have a great supportive family and friends like you say you do, and of course you also have a supportive community here for you

 

Being introverted is definitely not something to be ashamed of. I was very introverted, for a long time, but I wasn't always, and like I said before, I now know why I was so introverted for a long time. That is no longer me, not to the extreme anyway, and that has just come from the change in life. I'm still an introvert, I like my alone time, but I now have an active social life and a career which revolves around interacting with people. It's definitely challenging me, but I can see so much positivity from it. I think sometimes you have to get out there and be extroverted every once in a while, its certainly made me feel a lot more healthy in spirit.

 

I didn't care for my GCSEs for the same reasons as you and failed to revise for any of them. I regret this as I ended up with Cs rather than the straight As I deserve, so do try and bring yourself to revise for them, is there anyone you can revise with? If you don't revise for them then just try your best, GCSEs are so minute in your life, they seem like a bit deal now but I can assure you in the future they are nothing. I'm studying architecture in a decent uni after giving up at GCSE level, so even if you don't do well in them now, it doesn't mean your future will be crappy because of it.

 

GCSEs are worthless. They are a step on the way towards other things, but the amount of pressure on them at the time is ridiculous. I now own my own business.  I didn't need any education for that, besides specific training for the sector the business is in, but I got that by stopping my formal education at various points throughout my life. Never be ashamed to give up, I've given up loads of times in my life, it takes a strong person to give up on things and to call time on things when its needed.

 

In general, as someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety over the years, it seems so cliché to say life gets better, but I think it does, it just sometimes takes a major life change that is out of your hands to kickstart another chapter of life. For 6 years I've been anchored down, without realising, and now I feel free. I still have moments from time to time, but I'm in a better place where I can reflect back and see what was wrong, and I am slowly becoming myself again.

For anyone wondering, my mental illness has gotten a lot worse since last time. I'm alone all the time, even around people. I told my parents and they don't get it. I feel myself falling apart.

What happened, Poke?

Stay strong Poke! It's always tough to explain people what goes on in your mind.

I'm about to fail college again due to my computer addiction/depression issues. I've been back on medicine. I'm back on zoloft and I am doing OK with that. My psychiatrist put me on mood stabilizers (seroquel) and it felt like i was drunk the entire time and i ended up hitting a drive thru sign when ordering lunch one day. They took me off of that and gave me Trazodone. I ended up passing out at work and stayed in a hotel room until 8pm when my parents picked me up. I couldn't drive.

 

I can't be more unambitious if I tried. I don't want to do anything anymore. Last year I ended up gaining a serious amount of weight because I didn't leave my dorm at all, unless it was at night so no one could see me. I dropped out in April. Also I realized that I have literally no social skills to speak of. I can't go into any place with more than 3 people and feel comfortable talking, and I obviously act like a retard on the internet.

 

I can say that learning who you are is pretty damned important to feeling better about yourself. I'm opening the door of the bisexuality closet and slowly coming out. That, among some other kinks and whatnot that I have.

 

I'm also seeking counseling and on zoloft right now, which helps so much to take the edge off. I had extremely bad anxiety beforehand, anyone who has been on AIM with me pretty much knows

 

Also that first paragraph is a lie lmao. I'm in narnia as parents are concerned.

You've got me on aim or fb if you ever want to talk man. Everyone goes through shit (myself included, this year's been rough) but I've found my ways through it, talking to others included. I'm literally always signed into either of those outlets so reach out to me if you need help at any time.

Keep your head up man. Sorry for calling you out.

@Shotguns - Give the drugs time to work.  It can take quite some time, but they do work (despite some literature suggesting only a marginal benefit) once you find the one (or combination) that works.  Sounds like you might have sleep difficulty based on the additional drugs you're trying, so sorting that out may help.

 

I do recommend working on some type of self improvement, though.  Write out a list of what you'd like to start doing/improving on (i.e. exercise, diet, smaller shit), and start with the easiest thing on the list.  Perfect that thing in every way and make it a routine, then move on to the next easiest on the list.  It can be as dumb as organizing your emails, or finding the best shampoo, who cares.  Research, get really into it, and make it a huge focus until it's automatic.  Start small, and you'll start snowballing.

I know this is totally out of context but i think this thread has the highest average words per post I've ever seen on a forum.

I've been on this site for 6 years now (since I was 13; now I'm 20) and I feel like nobody has ever really gotten to know me. I've stayed silent for a majority of that time (and don't contribute much in the way of RCT), but I thought it was time to shed some sort of light on what I'm going through and get shit off my chest.

 

I've been an anxious kid my whole life. Getting bullied in middle school definitely didn't help with that. Additionally, my parents were 'supportive' in the sense that they wanted me to do well, but didn't really go through much effort to help me do so. They praised me when I excelled, but when I asked for help it seemed like an excuse would always pop up. High school was fine, and I got into theatre, which helped boost my confidence in public and in public speaking, as well as enhancing my vocal speech in general. Then college rolled around, but I still have little to no confidence in social situations. I made about 3 good friends and joined a barbershop acapella group and a fraternity so that I might get better at talking to people and learn how to be myself. Long story short, none of that really helped overcome my anxiety.

 

I resorted to drugs and alcohol as an escape. I found it was much easier to talk to people and feel authentic when I was drunk, and smoking people out (and vice versa) was a good bonding experience for people I had little prior contact with. Living in Golden, Colorado (just west of Denver, where the Coors brewery plant is located), it's not hard to get a hold of either of those substances. I basically became addicted for 6 months, and lost contact with myself; I ended up feeling nonhuman, or like all of the feeling had been drained out of me. After a while though, it wasn't enough and I looked for solace in psychedelics. Every month or few weeks I would be on another trip, which would make me feel better for about a week, but then send me into depression until I did it again. The final straw was the result of too many drugs at one time, and one of the worst experiences of my life (I won't get into details), so I decided to hold off on psychs, and eventually developed a healthy relationship with drugs as a result.

 

Last summer and fall semester went well though; I got a good GPA and a girlfriend, and felt like I was making progress socially. About a month ago, I caught a terrible flu which had me bedridden for a week, making me lose ground on schoolwork and putting me a week behind. I got extremely paranoid that my flu symptoms were actually HIV symptoms, causing me two weeks of worry and distress, eventually leading me to get tested for HIV (of course the result was negative). Since then my anxiety and depression levels have been the highest I've ever experienced. To add, my girlfriend suddenly decided she just wants to be friends. I've been getting absolute shit grades on all my work, which further discourages me from even trying. Also, the political climate in the United States and the White House agenda ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HELP.

 

After last year, I feel like I had come a lot closer to knowing myself and embracing my true colors. I figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life (computer science), started making music, found a sense of style, and slowed my intake of drugs and alcohol. I'm more comfortable with my body and sexuality (even though I haven't completely figured that out yet). Even though I have all of that under my belt, I somehow don't feel any better. Every day is a mix of "I don't want to do anything" and "you're a terrible person for not wanting to do anything." The worst part is I don't want to kill myself, not because I'm afraid of death, but because I know it'll get better. For now I just have to endure everything.

 

I feel like I can't reach out to anybody because I'm afraid they will just brush everything off like it's normal or I'm just out of touch with reality. The last time I talked to my dad about depression and anxiety he told me that when he was my age, they didn't have a word for any of that. Those were just your problems and you dealt with them or covered them up. I can't talk to my friends because they all claim to be going through similar shit, and would either one-up me or turn the conversation onto themselves. I made an appointment with my school's mental health clinic tomorrow morning, but I'm terrified of going because I don't think they will completely understand. I just want to fucking feel normal, because it seems like all my life I've been telling people that I don't feel normal, and in response they just say "that's normal."

 

Any response is appreciated.

Yeah I'm not in any similar situatuion but some of these things draw parallels. Absolutely go to your school's mental health clinic and if you feel like theyre not getting it, mention that, that can only work with you if you're very open

Every day is a mix of "I don't want to do anything" and "you're a terrible person for not wanting to do anything." The worst part is I don't want to kill myself, not because I'm afraid of death, but because I know it'll get better. For now I just have to endure everything.

 

 

This is what a lot of people don't understand. That you just don't want to do anything, you're happy to sit and do nothing, just waste time and let the days go by and then feeling terrible because that is what you are doing. But it will get better, it will improve. 

 

I made an appointment with my school's mental health clinic tomorrow morning, but I'm terrified of going because I don't think they will completely understand. I just want to fucking feel normal, because it seems like all my life I've been telling people that I don't feel normal, and in response they just say "that's normal."

 

 

Go to this appointment, if they don't seem to completely understand, then thats that, but at least you went, in the hope that they will understand. And even if they don't, you've still talked, and got a lot of how you feel out there. Even that is useful and beneficial for you. 

 

With regards to the normal feeling, nobody is normal, everybody has a different perception as to what is normal, you can't be normal, you can only be you. 

Usually those kind of people know how to ask questions in a way that you'll learn stuff about yourself. Their session is too short for them to learn stuff and give you a lot of personal advice, but hopefully they'll grant you with an insight and thought-process with which you can help yourself too.

 

Worst part about mental illness is that a lot of people will never understand until it hits them. It's tough for those people to grasp illness that they can't see. What works with some - not all - people is talk about it as more of a physical thing. E.g. the depression keeps you in bed all day like a flu would.

Morgan,

Firstly, let me say I don't have much in the way of experience for this sort of thing, but I do have some advice that hopefully helps.

From reading your post, it sounds like you, yourself, don't actually know what is wrong with you. You say you're depressed and were an addict, but the things you described and the way it reads almost makes it seem like you could honestly be clinically paranoid. I don't mean this to insult or slight you and your problems but that's the vibe you're sort of putting off.

I also hope you went to that appointment. Whether they can help you or not, simply speaking to a heathcare professional is reassuring in the sense that they can either treat you or find someone that can.

Also, judging from your past with drugs and alcohol, have you ever considered AA or NA? Even if you're not addicted anymore or you never were or do it casually, the people here are incredible resources and you'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't understand what you're going through. Just don't let the stigma surrounding these meetings put you off; I have a friend who attended meetings and it changed their life.

I hope your life starts going the way you'd like! Things like this are tough. And don't worry about not wanting to do anything all day, that's entirely normal and it's entirely normal to hate yourself for it after. "Time you enjoyed wasting, was not time wasted." Hang in there!