General Chat / Dating

I'll bite.

 

Me and this wonderful girl (let's call her Mary) have been together for almost 2 years (May 16th). And I can't begin to explain how I feel about her. It's a wonderful commitment with amazing payoffs, plus, she's funny, nice, gets my sense of humor/personality, is beautiful, and the sex is great. So what's not to love? We'll both be heading separate ways as Mary goes to Ecuador for a gap year and I head up to Colorado School of Mines this fall, but I'm not worried that she won't be faithful. She's completely trustworthy and I'm extremely lucky.

 

However, It's myself I don't trust. I don't know if I can go a full year plus four more of intermittent contact without branching out and exploring a little. I think I posted somewhere that I'm bisexual (or at least bi-curious; damn these hormones!) so I don't want to go my whole life without knowing whether I actually dig men or not, or am capable of feeling for them. I tried to bring up this topic with Mary and she couldn't believe that I would even think about exploring my sexuality while we were apart. She says that it wouldn't be fair to her. In my honest opinion, I think it's kind of selfish that she's saying that. It might just be that I'm short-sighted and I'm only out to please myself, but I think every human has the right to experiment with their own emotions. I know she expects that we'll settle down after all this long-relationship/college stuff and we'll get married in our late twenties, and to be quite honest, I'm expecting that too. But that's a long time from now. We've already been two years together, but that's like... six more. Mary's one of the only people who I feel completely comfortable and open with, and is one of the only real-life people who knows I'm bisexual. I thought she would be more understanding, but I guess not.

 

I hope none of this came off as whiny teenager crap, and if it does, I'm sorry. But to counteract the whiny teenagerness, just know that I voted in the last election. So hah!

Anyway...

 

Am I crazy? Is it fair that a man needs some time to think about his life before making an effort to stay celibate for four years (which could, in the long run, fail)? Or am I just being a stereotypical cheater manly-man who needs some discipline?

Here's some cynical advice, so feel free to ignore me as the old cranky guy. Disclaimer out of the way...

You're, what, 18?  I'm sure she's lovely, man, but there's almost no way you guys make it to the happily ever after based on sheer odds.  Beyond that, sex is EXTREMLY important to a relationship.  The sex is great now, but you're also at the age where a strong breeze could probably get you hard. In my experience, If the sex is leaving you unfulfilled, that's a pretty good indicator of where your relationship is headed. And if exploring your bisexuality is this important to you now, do you think that's just going to go away if you guys get married? Because it's not going to go away if you get married. From her perspective, I'd really hate to waste a year abroad being faithful to a guy that isn't sure he can be.

My opinion would be that you should break it off and reevalute where you're both at when she returns.  Go forth and be fruitful, my son.  Like, the gay meaning of "fruit".

Oh MA, how the whole of NE has missed you <3

I have a successful long distance relationship, but it's built on openness, honesty, and good communication. I'm polyamorous, which is something I've only recently come to acknowledge, and I told my partner only a few weeks ago. Thankfully, she felt the same way that I did. We're both on our own paths in life, with no foreseeable future living together, at least not in the next 2 years. But we still love each other and value our conversations and little time we get to spend together. So we cross bridges as they come. For me at least, as someone who's constantly discovering myself as a person, the idea that you find someone in your late teens/early 20's that you can spend the rest of your life with is an idea that just doesn't make sense. My girlfriend agrees. But we still enjoy each other's company. So it works. I occasionally sleep with other people when it happens naturally, but I don't seek it. I don't tell her about it, we don't really discuss it, but there's an understanding that we're young people trying to discover ourselves, and there's no point in avoiding magical connections that just seem to happen mysteriously in life. 

 

So MorganFan, I would look at your situation realistically. If your partner is on a different wavelength than you (as in, she can't understand why you want to explore your sexuality, and yourself as a person) then it's time to move on, as difficult and sad as it may be. One thing I've learned is that there's no point in forcing something between people who aren't on the same page. I did it for a long time, until I (completely accidentally) found someone who is on the same wavelength as me. And when you do, it will be leaps and bound more amazing than anything else.

Thanks guys. I'm definitely having a long hard think about this one. Then me and Mary will probably have a long hard talk. And then I'll give her a long hard- wait

Also, polyamory is interesting. I heard about it on Reddit and it seems like a good way to learn about your sexuality while still having a good bond with someone. She does seem like a one-person woman, so I honestly don't know how it's gonna go over. But 2 days ago at a party I drunkenly told my friends I was gonna marry her, so yeah. Whoops.

Anyway, yeah we'll talk about it, but when? Should I do it as soon as possible or should I enjoy this summer while it lasts before we both go away? As stated before, she's magnificent in all senses of the word, we just don't agree on everything. Mostly sex.

Your intentions should be clear to one another. If you mutually agree that you're not going to see each other again after the end of the summer and agree to just have fun together, that could be a healthy and constructive relationship for both of you.

 

Be careful with polyamory. It works for some people, but it's still pretty rare and most people will look at you like you've grown a third eyeball (or just be incredibly hurt) just by bringing it up. It's also a two-way street. If both parties aren't totally on the same wavelength about it, one is just going to end up getting hurt.

Thanks guys. I'm definitely having a long hard think about this one. Then me and Mary will probably have a long hard talk. And then I'll give her a long hard- wait

Also, polyamory is interesting. I heard about it on Reddit and it seems like a good way to learn about your sexuality while still having a good bond with someone. She does seem like a one-person woman, so I honestly don't know how it's gonna go over. But 2 days ago at a party I drunkenly told my friends I was gonna marry her, so yeah. Whoops.

Anyway, yeah we'll talk about it, but when? Should I do it as soon as possible or should I enjoy this summer while it lasts before we both go away? As stated before, she's magnificent in all senses of the word, we just don't agree on everything. Mostly sex.

Okay so poly relationships are a lot more work than some skimming on reddit will clue you into.  Again, at your age, I'd be surprised if the idea of fucking around didn't appeal to you.  But, it's unfortunately a lot more complicated than that.  Poly relationships take an extreme dedication to honesty and communication, or you'll destroy both/all of what you've got going on.  You've also got to trust your partner not to bring you STDs. Obviously you're going to sleep around a bit in the next few years, so if that's your goal, just be honest about what you want and do that. There'd be no benefit to keeping her on the leash, too.

Be careful with polyamory. It works for some people, but it's still pretty rare and most people will look at you like you've grown a third eyeball (or just be incredibly hurt) just by bringing it up. It's also a two-way street. If both parties aren't totally on the same wavelength about it, one is just going to end up getting hurt.

...no.
 

You're right, you should just not talk to your partner about it and go do whatever you want.

Sorry about your feelings, bro. But I have no idea what you're talking about.

Hey guys.

So long story short, we decided to stay together. I'm in Colorado, she's in Ecuador; so we're doing the long distance thing. And it sucks. College is the place where you should be finding out who you are, what you like, what you don't like etc. Meanwhile she's in South America trying to learn how the impoverished live or something like that. And I'm just now realizing how childish she's being.

 

She's convinced 100% that we're going to stay together forever and that we're some how cosmically "connected" and 'our love breaks the boundaries of long distance.' Fuck that. I'm not getting anything out of this, and it sucks ass. All I feel is that I'm chained down and have to get my weekly obligatory skype call in while everyone else continues on with life.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm completely in love with this person, and she make me feel amazing when she's around, but being 3000+ miles away completely make me lose feeling. She's the type that won't allow an open relationship, and she's pretty much vanilla in every way. And again, I feel like she's just off on an adventure living it up while I'm stuck here waiting for her to get back. Like one of those penguins that's stuck back in the freezing cold while all their female counterparts are off hunting for fish and whatnot.

 

I feel like I'm just rambling now. Anyway, the reason for this rant is that I called her this morning and told her the truth: that I'm not getting anything out of the current state of this relationship. And she just broke down crying and begged me not to break up with her. She kept saying that she thought we were different from the norm (that our HS relationship would last) and that we would be together forever. Also she kept repeating "I'm sorry I did this to us." What does that mean?

 

Anyway, last paragraph, right now I feel angry, shitty, lonely, and like I owe her something at the same time. And I don't know what to do.

 

tl;dr: Just read my damn post

Quick answer: break up. It's gonna suck. However, if she comes home and you're both willing to give it another shot then go for it. You're both young and MA was right in one of his previous posts about the odds being against you. You need to date other people and experience that before you decide you've found the person to spend your life with. If she thinks that you're gonna stay together forever out of high school then she honestly sounds a little crazy and really, from the tone of your post, you seem pretty over it anyway. Move on, man.

Quick answer: break up. It's gonna suck. However, if she comes home and you're both willing to give it another shot then go for it. You're both young and MA was right in one of his previous posts about the odds being against you. You need to date other people and experience that before you decide you've found the person to spend your life with. If she thinks that you're gonna stay together forever out of high school then she honestly sounds a little crazy and really, from the tone of your post, you seem pretty over it anyway. Move on, man.

 

This. If you felt the same way she did then the relationship could work but you clearly don't (which is fine of course, you can't control how you feel) and forcing yourself to stay in a relationship that isn't making you happy is totally pointless.

Well, we talked again, and we decided to make it an open relationship. She admitted I was right (hell yeah mothafuckas) to feel unhappy and lonely in the current state of the relationship, and wanted to make it fair for both of us. So now I can date other people and go to parties and stuff, like a normal college student should. So we'll see how this works out. Things should be a lot better.

Seeing as i have absolutely no experience with getting a girl and this topic has been kicked up so i now know of it's existance again, i'll just talk about my experiences here. Or rather, experience. I've only ever tried once and failed horribly.

From 2013 until early 2014 i went to a school. Not just any school, a really spiritual school which didn't really mean much more than having to do some stupid meditations each day. And besides that everyone would be much more free to do whatever they'd want. Wether that would mean bringing your laptop in class, taking a break from learning, doing lots ofother activities too, large breaks and lots of other things.

The mostly rule-free system the school's staff had gave everyone there a bit too much freedom, which lead to problems. People getting bullied while the staff would somewhat try to relativate what happened without actually solving the problems, beatings, kids watching porn in class, hell, some kid even took coke one day and smashed a hole in a f**king concrete wall. They enforced some rules but they didn't really do much. At first i had a good time there, but once this stuff started it got less good.

The staff themselves thought they were the best people in the world for providing such a free system to everyone. I complained about all the flaws they quite obviously had but they'd only get mad at me, not at the people who caused all the problems. Their system was perfect, how dare i'd go against it! Not that they'd tell me that exactly but you could see them thinking it.

There was this kid with ADHD who didn't get medication because it was against their vision. He would be mean and annoying to everyone, not study at all and play videogames instead, get agressive to everything and everyone. At some points he'd just insult the teachers a hundred times, he tried to beat them, he'd hit and throw the furniture around, and basically went insane. Then he'd get sent away for a week but he could come back like nothing happened and he'd go on each time and it'd all just happen again and again. The school's core vision was to give everyone the chances they'd need - they took it quite literally with him.

And then one day i was outside with some other kids, including him. He decided to throw a soccer ball into my head a couple of times, until i got pissed and threw it onto a rooftop. Turns out it was some other guy's soccer ball, and now he wanted a refund for it. I didn't want to pay up ofcourse and i wanted to explain the situation to the staff. The ADHD kid had the same idea, so we both ran back inside as fast as possible. Basically he got infront of me as we were nearing the staff room, so i tried pushing him aside. Next thing i know i'm on the ground getting my head bashed in. He hit me rapidly, i got hit like 20 times in 5 seconds. After the third hit my face was already numb, i didn't realise my nose was bleeding like hell. The staff had to push the ADHD kid to the ground and drag him away to stop him.

One week later he could come back like nothing happened.

So yeah, i didn't have a good time there, and while i went there, the setting became worse and worse. I didn't want to stay anymore, but there was one reason why i did. There was a girl that i liked a loooot. Her name was Eva. She'se probably the most beautiful girl i've ever seen. She was very friendly, she looked nice, and i already became loads happier only being in a classroom with her. I didn't bother much at first, but then one day i got back from school, and i just felt great, like i could take on the entire world. I didn't really know what happened that made me feel like that at all. And then that night i had a dream, where i was riding a rollercoaster (how relevant here) together with her, and it made me feel intensely happy. And then i knew i was in love with her.

But then again, i'm not very attractive, and not very social either. I couldn't stand a chance to get her. I could well be an opposite of her and thus i never told her what i felt for her. My complaining about all the stuff wrong at the school led the staff to creating a big disliking towards me. Eventually, they just threw me out, completely not paying attention to their core values. Valentines Day 2014 was nearing, the perfect moment to ask her out. I was finally going to do it. And then i got the message that i wasn't welcome anymore, no reason specified. Gone was my chance to tell her everything.

Later that year, late October. I had some personal things happening and i decide i really need a girlfriend. The first person i think of is Eva. Not very surprising. I just couldn't put my mind off of her, she was all i could think of back then. Still, i had no way of contacting her. I decided to find her on Facebook. I knew she had an account, i've seen her posting some things on it before. I was super scared to even friend her, but i did it... and nothing happened. I still had no way to tell her my thoughts. I had no other forms of contacting her either. The last thing i could do was to send her a letter, directed to the school's adress, with her name on it. It was a stupid idea but it was all i could do. And so i did it. Still, nothing happened.

Then i went back on Facebook, and i found she'd blocked me.

And now i'm kind of still not over this because i don't know what i did wrong in this case, or what exactly she even thinks of me. I still think about her from time to time. I understand it may aswell be a bad thing but i just can't stop thinking about how perfect she is.



Well, now i've got my first and only experience with this out of the way, i wanna get on to the second one and hope it's gonna turn out better.

You see, i take lessons in drawing and painting and stuff, and there's this girl there who i seem to like. I don't know a lot about her but i know enough about her to make me like her. She'se clearly into harder music which is an instant plus for me already, and thus she likes art and stuff like that too. The problem here is that i don't know her at all. Most of the time she just listens to music continuously and i haven't really got a chance to get to know her or talk about stuff.

The idea i have now is that i'm going to draw her a portait. Thing is, last week i ended up staring at a blank paper for 30 minutes scared i'd screw the drawing up and i did nothing instead. I'm also scared that it's just going to get me further from her. I mean, she'se not even a friend of mine, and now some random guy she doesn't even know well wants to give her his number and go on a date with her. I want to get to know her by taking her to some pizza place or something and then talk about stuff. But then again if i'd ask her maybe she'd react freaked out and then i'd screw up. And i don't really want that to happen. What should i do? Does anyone have any advice?

For context, Wouter, how old are you?

I wouldn't do portraits, poems, speeches or letters with people you don't really talk too. That's a bit weird. I think it would be weird if a random girl came up to me and gave me a letter. A portrait would be right out creepy.

Just try to talk to her a few times. You're in a drawing/painting class? That's good, plenty to talk about. Casual stuff. Her painting (something you noticed?), the teacher, whatever. If it's casual, it's hard to fuck up. Don't talk about dates or anything yet, you have to break the ice first. Take your time to make yourself familiar to you... And prepare to fuck up in the end. Because that's a part of learning.

https://www.youtube....h?v=BO9ddHEeJfE

^me

wouter, my man, you can't get dates by writing all these love letters and such when the girl (or dude (or louis)) doesn't know you well. i get that you need to be a little perseverant but that won't get you anywhere. just talk to her lol

better yet, treat her like shit. that should do the trick.

lol gee are you trying to make sure wouter never gets laid ever

Yeah Wouter just talk to her. Girls are people you know? You can just talk to them.